5 Left Eyes: A Skewed Perspective

Chicken Pock (Not Pox)

2006-03-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

I have a 5 year old chicken pock at home. Well, the pock isn't exactly 5 years old, but it's host is. My son, whom I love dearly, is now one big chicken pox. Next week, I'm sure that I will also have a 2 year old chicken pock at home.... I'm really looking forward to that. Not.

My son started out with a cute little sprinkle of chicken pox and didn't seem to be affected overly much by itching. BUT, on day 2, I was astounded to find that he had turned into a pock. Yea, I said pock, as in one giant fricken colony of chicken pox. His head was huge, and red, and pustulated and leaking tears around where his eyes should have been; because of the pain.

So, being the asshole, freaked out parent I am, I went to the doctor's office and demanded, heroin and novocain and anything else they had to dilute the pain. (I also asked them for something for my son). They said that since I was one of those parents, you know, the ones who don't get all the vaccines for their kids because they don't want their kids to have Autism, type 1 diabetes and ADD, they wouldn't give me shit.

So, my poor pock, who used to be my son, has to suffer through his pain and suffering because they want to punish me. Assholes. If he was pregnant, they would have given him something, but no, he just has a little chicken pox...

OK, this is now day 4 and my son has slept a total of 6 hours in the last 4 fricken day, I have a big syringe full of fresh puss, and I know where the Dr. lives.

Wish me luck!

My Diet Group

2005-11-17T00:56:00.000-08:00

So, I went off my crack and cheesy poofs diet, and now I'm starting to gain weight again. I called up my dealer, and he said that I would have to pay back-dues to rejoin the group, and if I really wanted to take the weight off, not just talk about it, he had some "jobs" I could do for him to sort of "wipe the slate clean...", You know, me leaving the group and all.

I called my daddy up to see if I could borrow some money to give to Le'Roy, and he asked wasn't I working and all and I said yes and he said what you doing and I said hoein and he said what was I hoeing, and if I had a job why'd I need to borrow money from him, why couldn't I just get an advance from the farmer?

I told him the reason I was hoein was cause when I was a kid picking strawberries I had a whole lot more than one advance from the farmer and that my counselor said that was probably what got me started hoein in the first place.

Daddy then when off about how come I was at camp and not working and to quit lying to him. I told him I wasn't lying to him and that I was hoein and needed some money and what the hell was he talking about me being at camp and all.

So he says if I wasn't at camp dickin around, then who was the counselor I was talkin about and then asked If I would knit a sweater for his wiener dog if he and ma traced the dog and sent me the tracing at camp. That was, he said, ifn I was taking knitting in crafts and all.

I started to tell him all over again what was really going on and all, and that I wasn't at camp and needed some help, but then I figured he wouldn't get it anyway. So I told him that yea, I'd knit his wiener dog a sweater ifn he and ma sent me the wiener dog tracing.....

I gotta go, Le'Roy's got some stuff for me to do...

Sickness

2005-11-10T14:14:00.000-08:00

My 5 your old has been hacking, coughing and snotting like crazy for the last couple of days.

I guess I need to find a new place to hide my weed.

Indoor Plumbing

2005-11-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

We have indoor plumbing. Hot water, cold water and lukewarm water; if you let the hot and cold run together at the same time. We also have electricity in the wall. You know, one of those wall plate thingies with slots that you plug electrical stuff into? We also have a washing machine and a dryer...

I thought I would just mention these things in passing, because I'm cold. I'm cold because it's 32 degrees outside and I'm not wearing pants. Well, I'm wearing pants, but they don't have legs on them. I had long pants yesterday, and the day before that and even the day before that. On all three days, they were the same pair of pants. But, when I went to put them on this morning, there was something wrong with them. They didn't look right, and they were sort of moving. They also had a certain odor that they hadn't had on any of the previous days. So, I decided to wear shorts.

The reason I wore the same pair of pants for three days was that I was waiting for my wife, who is home all day, to wash another of my many pairs of pants. I know, I know, why didn't I wash my own pants? Because I was at work making money dumbshit, if I was at home, I would have washed my fricken pants. It's not like I would have had to go town to the creek... I already mentioned all the easy "pants washing" amenities we have in the damn house didn't I?

So, I'm cold, and pissed off, and now I have to go back to work...

Bad Day

2005-11-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

I must have been having a bad day when I wrote the preceding crap, cause some of it ain't quite right. Maybe tomorrow I will take my medication and see what happens. If your bored, check out the 2 porn sites on the right. They aren't really porn, they are just my way of taking a stab at a couple of religions that make me laugh from time to time.

By the way, did you know the Mormons own Coke? If they really do, and caffeine is a no-no, you would think they would have a moral dilemma selling a product full of caffeine. Maybe you should check snopes.com to see if I'm full of crap.

If you have a little talent in graphic design, you might want to send me a page to put up on AmishPorn.com.... Yea, that one could be pretty funny if you think about it.

Ode To Arkansas Barney

2005-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

I hate you, you hate me, We're a dysfunctional family
with a hop skip and I jumped my sister yesterday,
and my little brother's gay.

Sing that to the song that Barney the Dinosaur sings on PBS.
OK, that was wrong, but hey, it still felt good writing it down. LOL

The Present

2005-11-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

She said she was 15 once, but after taking one look, I didn't believe it.
Most guys would have taken one look and decided to leave it, But...

When your favorite English teacher retires, you gotta give her something.

Fish and Wives

2005-11-09T09:12:00.000-08:00

If you have a wife or girlfriend who is of the jealous type, you might want to keep this little gem in the back of your mind for future reference. I went to Skippers the other day and had the all you can eat fish. When I was done I went to the bathroom and then washed my hands.

In the future, I will wash my hands before touching the member, so that my wife doesn't kick my ass, threaten divorce and have me followed by a private dick for 2 weeks.

Things that make you go hmmm.

Licks and Sticks

2005-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Lick my stones or I'll break your bones... bitch.
Your words have never thrilled me.

Open wide while I shove it inside, you better make it slide.
Do the work your paid for whore or your old teen face is gonna bust my door
with the pieces you already left on my floor... yesterday.

Do it right or you'll get your own six six piece of state with your mama on one side and your daddy's head on a plate. Your sisters will cry when they see you didn't die...

Quietly.